I could be so good for you….

A new appeal has been launched to find Madeleine McCann, missing since May 2007. Now while I have every sympathy for the family and hope that Madeline is found alive and well, I cannot help thinking that they’re missing a trick in their search.

Often a family member will step in and help during this type of situation – step forward Terry McCann of TV’s Minder fame. He’s tenacious, can look after himself and, best of all, being a relative I imagine he’d only charge mate’s rates. Point him towards Portugal, probably with a translator to get over the obvious Portuguese/cockney language barrier and Bob, or rather Arthur’s, your uncle.

Sometimes, it helps to think laterally.

 

Seriously, click here  to visit the official find Madeleine website.

 

Dungaree Court?

I am all for equality. Being of a minority race or sexual persuasion should not influence how you are treated. (As long as I can stereotype you for the purposes of comedy).

So I was appalled to hear about how long it had taken for a simple bit of legislation to get through the European courts. I cannot believe  that the basic right of all gay women to travel freely across europe was the subject of such a debate, with several compromises having to be made before the agreement was finally signed. And apparently Tony Blair is in the running to ensure that it’s adhered to!

That was what The Lesbian Treaty was all about, wasn’t it?

Nutt allergy

When I was young, ‘horse’ was a slang term for heroin. So when sacked government drug advisor Professor Nutt claimed that ‘taking ecstasy was no more dangerous than horse-riding’, I couldn’t help thinking that he had just invented a new expression for taking smack.

Professor Nutt is also of the opinion that cannabis is less harmful than alcohol, a statement refuted by the government, but I imagine fully agreed with by police officers all over the land being attacked by Stella fuelled young men and women on a Friday night. I imagine the biggest threat from a cannabis user is likely to come should you accidently get between them and the local newsagent’s sweet counter.

Trick or treat? Ok then……

Now I’m  grumpy old bastard when it comes to most festivities, but I view Halloween with a particularly morose outlook. However, I am heartened by hearing the news that you are now legally allowed to slap trick or treaters around the head and point them in the direction of the nearest paedophile’s house.

I may be mistaken, but I think it’s worth the risk.

BNP in the minority

The BNP have been widely criticised for associating themselves with symbols of World War 2, such as Churchill and the spitfire fighter aircraft. If I had to liken them to a WW2 plane I would probably first think of those little Fokkers.

Anyway, Nick Griffin is on BBC’s Question Time tonight, which as ever is going to be hosted by a member of one of broadcasting’s most famous brothers, David Dimbleby. It’s rumoured that David Attenborough, a member of another of TV’s most famous families was asked to guest-present, but he declined saying that he was not experienced in being so close to such a ferociously stupid animal.

Anyway, I’m starting to like the BNP a bit more Maybe we have mis-judged them. I’ve discovered that they have a mascot called, unsurprisingly, Billy Brit. But amazingly, Billy is a member of one of the most discriminated against minorities in the UK. Granted, he’s not Ainsley Harriott or David Baddiel, but – wait for it – Billy Brit is GINGER!

It’s a start I suppose.

You’ve (not) got mail

The postal strike causes a major worry for British industry, not least for those poor companies who manufacture red elastic bands. On a  more personal note, I’m a bit worried about my most recent ebay purchase arriving safely. I wouldn’t want the £2.99 I paid (plus £1.99 postage) to be wasted, as it seemed a pretty good price for Bobby Charlton’s original world cup winner’s medal. How it ended up in China is anyone’s guess.

Picket lines, however, didn’t stop one of our most famous delivery men. Flicking through freeview this morning, there he was, bold as anything, delivering letters and parcels alongside Jess, his black and white cat. Postman Pat a scab – who’d have thought. Mind you, upon closer inspection Jess did have what very much looked like a goblet of phlegm embedded in her fur, so maybe he didn’t have such an easy time crossing the line.

Nobel pizza prize

It’s generally accepted that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for what he, a man in an influential and powerful position, might do in the future. 

I can relate to that. Just as I will be devouring a fried breakfast and burger and chips today, gobbled down as fast as you can say ‘more troops for Afghanistan’ , I will be fully expecting to win  the 2009 ‘Weightwatcher’s Slimmer of the Year Award’. Because, although I am in a position to lose my many excess pounds, I’ll be f**ked if I’m going to do it.

What a bender

Kew Gardens Millennium Seed Bank has added the seeds of a pink banana to its collection.

Now I wasn’t aware that there was such a thing as a pink banana, but this has to be good news for gay men everywhere. Not only do you have a fruit providing the possibility of much anal enjoyment, it’s also in your favourite colour! Practicality and style rolled into one.

“It’s not good news, I’m afraid.” (We’re on until Christmas)

The X Factor has whittled the contestants down to 12, after the judges whisked the hopefuls away to their luxury pads for culling. Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell, Danni Minougue and Cheryl Cole all swung their clubs viciously down on the tearful, cute brown eyed heads of the fluffy little creatures.

Kyle Minogue was assisting Danni Minogue in choosing the finalists for one of the categories, and was initially charged with delivering the “I’m sorry, you haven’t made it.” line to the hopefuls. This duty was taken away from her when she mistakenly, but truthfully, said it to her sister over lunch.

Sharon Osbourne left the series after not wanting to be associated with a ‘talentless bunch of no-hopers’. Sharon is married to Ozzy Osbourne, and mother to Kelly and Jack.

Under the influence

The Sun newspaper has moved its support back to the Tories, no doubt not wanting to be associated with a losing team (I use the word ironically).

This sort of move by a favoured publication can undoubtedly have an influence on the electorate, and I will be carefully reading the editorial in the next issue of ‘Naked Slippery Pole Dancers Monthly’ to decide where I should place my cross in May.