LaToya story

The Jackson family aren’t having much luck at the moment, first the untimely (some would say, anyway) death of Michael last year, and now it’s been announced that LaToya has been recalled by her manufacturer due to a major fault.

Krafty comedy….

Apart from being major business news, the Kraft takeover of Cadbury has launched a thousand pathetic puns from so called comedians looking for cheap laughs.

Has the Kraft share price recieved a boost? There were whispers of the takeover a few days ago. It was a major topic of conversation in the city. Etc etc.

Seriously,I think that Cadburys should have been nationaised in line with the banks. You know, funded by taxi- payers money. You know, taxi, the chocolate wafer biscuit? I’ll get my coat and send the joke to Radio 4.

Yeah baby, this is the one…….

President ‘Jesus’ Obama is sending over 10,000 US troops to Haiti.

I reckon, taking into account the weakened state of the opposition, that this is one war that he may stand a chance of actually winning.

Pointless search

Reasearchers have now concluded that the ‘G’ spot doesn’t actually exist. That’s around 39 days of my life completely wasted.

Rabbit Warren

According to his unauthorised biography, Warren Beatty slept with nearly 13,000 women before he was 55. His biographer, Peter Biskind, claimed that “It was part of his routine, like flossing.”

Not really, flossing is supposed to prevent you getting plaque – and Warren will definitely get a  plaque, and it is likley to read, “Warren Beatty, slept with 13,000 women – still a twat.”

Praise be……

The Danish cartoonist who published a controversial drawing of the Prophet Mohammed has survived an attack by a sword brandishing Islamist militant.

This proves once and for all that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. Assuming, of course, that the pen can reach the specially installed panic room before the sword cuts it into bloodied pieces.

Hanging around

We head towards election year with every possibility that the Lib-Dems will influence a parliament which will be hung.

Which will fit in nicely with Lib-Dem MP Lembit Opik who is undoubtedly very well hung. There’s just no other explanation.

Big bang theory

Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab’s failed attempt to blow up an American airliner above Detroit does not just reflect poorly on Nigerian security at the airport of the departure, it also shows the UK education system in poor light.

Now I’ve nothing against Detroit, although I’ve always thought Motown was over rated, but as the terrorist was a former engineering student at the University of London I would have expected him to have the competence to mix two chemicals together to cause an explosion.

The 9/11 terrorists were trained Arizona and Florida, and the results put Abdul’s effort to shame. In the competitive world of education the UK has to step up to the mark and ensure that our students know of their duty to be successful and become role models for our educational system. Abdul may have set our cause back several years.

Mass of evidence

The Catholic Church is said to be ‘dismayed’ about the attack on the Pope last night. Despite tight security a woman managed to jump over the barriers and push the pontiff to the floor. She was lucky he wasn’t holding Midnight Mass at Stockwell tube station.

Except, Catholic Church, it wasn’t really an attack was it? No, an attack would be something like – let me see – maybe a small boy being sexually abused by someone in a position of trust. Now that’s an ‘attack’ worth condemning, don’t you think?

Let’s Dance! Put on your left leg and dance the blues…

Heather Mills is rumoured to be a contestant on the next series of the celebrity show, Dancing on Ice. Now on the face of it this demonstrates ITV’s commitment to the disabled – Mills having an artificial leg – but I suggest that this paying mere lip service to the cause. 

If they really wanted to show how much they supported equal rights for the disabled they’d have invited Stephen Hawking. Apply a bit of glitter to his elbow pads, a couple of squirts of WD40 and a hard shove, and he’d soon be spinning his way to victory.

However Heather Mills performs in the series she’s surely going to be a role model. Or rather ‘roll model’. That is, a model that slides off the rink and rolls around a lot.