Let’s Dance! Put on your left leg and dance the blues…

Heather Mills is rumoured to be a contestant on the next series of the celebrity show, Dancing on Ice. Now on the face of it this demonstrates ITV’s commitment to the disabled – Mills having an artificial leg – but I suggest that this paying mere lip service to the cause. 

If they really wanted to show how much they supported equal rights for the disabled they’d have invited Stephen Hawking. Apply a bit of glitter to his elbow pads, a couple of squirts of WD40 and a hard shove, and he’d soon be spinning his way to victory.

However Heather Mills performs in the series she’s surely going to be a role model. Or rather ‘roll model’. That is, a model that slides off the rink and rolls around a lot.

Hughes crying now?

Manchester City have sacked Mark Hughes after 18 months. While fellow premiership managers had sympathy with the 46 year old Welshman, his players also spoke about his departure yesterday.

Gareth Barry was reported as saying “I wish the boss well, he had the player’s respect and I am sure that he will do well in the future.” Roque Santa Cruz expressed sadness at his departure, but said that Manchester City now had to ‘move on’ as a club.

Meanwhile Craig Bellamy was quoted as saying “Oo ah, oo oo ah ah,” while at the same time eating a banana and licking his own arse.”

Wave the red, white and green

While the great and the good are struggling to achieve a satisfactory climate change agreement in Copenhagen, a small group of British workers are leading a stand against man-made climate change.

Despite the well-paid jobs and numerous perks, British Airway’s cabin crew have decided to stop working for 12 days to demonstrate against the airline industry’s contribution to climate change. These staff are ably supported by several thousand Christmas travellers who have sacrificed their holidays in the sun, and festivities with families to make their feelings known on the subject.

Bosses at BA are said to be proud that a British company is leading such a worthy protest, and fully expect their workers to commit more time to the campaign over the next few months, when they will inevitably have lost their jobs.

Let’s get the pigs…

If the authorities were looking to prevent clashes with protesters at the climate change talks you have to wonder about the choice of venue. Denmark does two things well – bacon and porn.

And as neither would be particularly inviting to the travelling vegetarian lesbians involved in the protest, their frustrations were always likely to turn into violence.

Raindrops aren’t falling on my head

I was slightly surprised to see many of the delegates turning up for the Copenhagen climate change summit without umbrellas, despite the heavy rain.

Are they so convinced of the climate change argument that they refuse to believe that it could possibly rain in a Denmark winter? Do they think that it’s actually CO2 bouncing off their balding heads, not H2O? Are they in denial of the weather that’s actually happening at that very moment?

War – What is it good for? US Unemployment figures

President ‘Jesus’ Obama has announced a massive job creation scheme for the US – currently unemployment is running at 10%.

This comes a few days after pledging to send an extra 30,000 troops to Afghanistan.

It’s not a coincidence – those new jobs aren’t going to be in nice warm offices or at Disneyworld are they? No, but they will be somewhere hot with three meals a day and free life insurance.

War – What is it good for? Battery farming?

Gordon Brown confirmed today that he is confident that we now have enough extra equipment to send another 500 troops to Afghanistan. This probably means that he’s nicked four or five Lee Enfield’s from recently deceased Second World War veterans  and is sending our brave lads and lasses to war with these and the only ever flick knife to be confiscated by Dalston police.

Meanwhile ‘Britain’s most powerful Muslim woman’, Tory peer Baroness Warsi of Dewsbury, was pelted with eggs in Luton today. The group of men accused her of supporting the death of Muslims in Afghanistan and of not being a proper Muslim.  Apparently Baroness Warsi tried to reason with the protesters, telling them that she ‘Challenged their views’. Perhaps a more effective form of response would have been to strap on a few tons of explosives and run after them shouting “Is this fucking Muslim enough for you bastards?!”

Yes I know, most Muslims are peaceful individuals, just like most white men aren’t like Nick Griffin. But what is it with ‘eggs’? These have become the weapon of choice of not only Muslim extremists, but also the anti-BNP protesters. Maybe the Brave New World starts here, unilateral disarmament – with the exception of eggs.

I do hope I haven’t just given Gordon an idea – “Actually Colonel, scrap those new helicopters, just nip down to Tesco’s and bulk order some Grade A’s”.

No signs of life

It has been discovered that a man in Belgium, who was thought to have been in a coma for 23 years , was actually aware of what was going on around him the whole time.

Which is a bit weird, as here in the UK we are led by a Prime Minister with exactly the opposite condition.

Grassed up?

China has executed the two responsible for the tainted milk affair that killed six children.

Daisy and Ermintrude were shot at dawn after admitting a binge drinking session involving 12 bottles of Jack Daniels which resulted in the poisoning of their milk offering the following morning. Daisy had told the authorities that it was ‘a hen night that got out of hand.’  Three hens were sentenced to life imprisonment.

The execution has once again led western countries to question the country’s moo-man rights policies.

Blame it on the buggy

Buggy manufacturers Maclaren (when did they stop being ‘pushchairs’ and start being ‘buggies’?) has been criticised over several accidents which have befallen children while using their products.  Apparently several American kids have had fingers amputated by the buggy’s mechanism.

Personally I see a couple of positives from this. For a start, and acknowledging that obesity is a major problem in the US, there will a few kids with fewer fingers to dip into sherbet dabs, resulting in slightly less overweight children. Secondly, I see the experience as an important early lesson in life, namely, DO NOT STICK YOUR FINGERS WHERE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO. Look at it as an early educational lesson, perfect for the development of future butchers, mechanics and other professionals who work in environments where it is dangerous to poke you fingers where you shouldn’t.

So America should be grateful to Maclaren, and if there’s one thing that the manufacturer should do, it’s probably to place a sticker on each buggy, with parental education in mind. It should say: ‘Don’t be so f**king stupid.’